snow and rice - both slow the traffic

I am sitting here grinning at the poetic beauty and the magnificently clever intended pun in the title above. It is short, sharp and incredibly witty.
I know you are now dying to get to the end of this missive just to share in the joke but be patient, I shall begin by addressing a few questions that have been posed of me.
First of all Clair, I would like to thank you for your comments and also for the fact that your attention has transferred from the exit to the entrance, figuratively speaking.
How do we get by for tea. Well, we are able to buy a variety of teas including standard "English brew". Mostly we shop at Bifpo as we affectionately call it. This is the BFPO office at the British army camp in Kabul, Camp Souter. Here they have a NAAFI that deals in such treats as Nescafe coffee, Tetley tea bags and Hobnobs. (which tea is never complete without). So under the guise of going to see if any important business mail has arrived at Bifpo, on a daily basis we take it in turns to visit the NAAFI and stock up. A little treat to break up the day.
Of course, getting into camp Souter is a trial, but always worth the effort, just to see the red post box that looks like it has been stolen from a country town back home and planted into this dusty, windswept base in Kabul.
There are other delights available here in Kabul as well, but the purchase of alcohol is always a bit fraught in a strict Moslem country. There are some Afghan shops that sell it "under the counter" and you have to know someone who knows someone who knows a shop that sells it. Then you have to go in and discreetly wait for there to be no-one about and then ask the shopkeeper and the transaction takes place in utmost secrecy as the goods are loaded into a bag behind the counter, the money handed over and the goods are not inspected until you get to the safety of your car/house. So you are never quite sure what beer you have bought or, more importantly its sell by date, (post sell by date beer is cheaper) until it is too late. Last night we wanted to get a case of beer and went to a shop we know sells beer, but they had none, but he kindly pointed us in the direction of another shop we had not been to before. We went in the shop and there were a couple of policemen idling away the day away in the shop. They were watching an Indian soap (these are very popular here and many shops, for some reason we don't know, have a small TV on, in fact, this is quite common in Indian shops in the UK, so not so strange).
So, I minced around looking at some pastries hoping the Police would leave but they didn't. In the end quietly, and very discreetly I asked if they had beer. The shopkeeper proceeded to wave his arms in the air and profess very loudly and with suitable indignation "No Beer, No Beer, No Beer" causing everyone in the shop to turn and stare at me. As I waited for the ground to open and swallow me up I went a bright shade of red. Oh well, another lesson learnt. In post-Serena Kabul people are becoming keen to be seen not to be fraternising with the foreigners.
Now where were we, yes, fruit and veg. Wonderful fruit and veg here. Most is sold on little barrows by the side of the road and each barrow will be full of an individual item. You will get a man with a barrow of oranges, next to the man with the barrow of apples etc. The fruit and veg are very good, especially cauliflowers. they have the largest cauliflowers you will ever see. The men generally are not stood next to the barrow, but clear a small area in the corner of the barrow and sit there cross legged all day waiting for business. I am told most of the fruit and veg comes from Pakistan and from the south and north of Afghanistan. It is very high quality and excellent to eat. Grapes are in abundance and, I am told the region around Kabul has 16 different varieties of grape (but no wine).
These are the areas and fields we are clearing from landmines. Each minefield cleared is a new field open for agriculture. As soon as it is clear the landowner will be straight out and the field will be ploughed or fenced. Within a matter of days crops will be planted (no, not poppies) or goats and sheep will be grazing. Another livelihood secured and another family that will shortly be self-sufficient.
Oh yes, you wanted to know about snow and rice. Ok, this week it snowed BIG time in Kabul, a good few inches fell and the normally chaotic, me-first Afghan style of driving came into its own. (A doctors report I read here once said "Driving is still the preferred activity of the Afghan male wishing to commit suicide"). You can imagine this driving coupled with bald tyres, no road sense, thick snow and ice all combined to create a maelstrom of chaos. To add to the excitement they have created gutters at the side of the roads that are around a foot deep and wide, so once you start to slide towards it, your wheel goes over the edge of the gutter and BANG - that is the end of your driving until you and a group of friends can find a way of picking your car out of there. So we have it, cars littering the edges of the road, we have cars coming BACK up the dual carriageway because they can't get across the gaps, we have cars sliding everywhere and, of course, the manic Afghan NEED to jump into the smallest of gaps if it gives you a one inch advantage. Oh yes, and a lack of proper windscreen wipers, screenwash and heated rear windows giving all this a surreal "looking through fog" appearance as everyone tries to see through misted up windows.
Inevitably this leads to a number of cars coming into contact with each other. The customary Afghan way to deal with this situation is both entertaining and amusing. Instead of exchanging insurance details, which obviously don't exist, it requires both the drivers (always male) to get out of their cars and shout and gesticulate until a willing crowd forms. then comes the ritual fight. This requires a lot of slapping arms around and generally appearing to fight without actually throwing a punch. The function of the crowd is to pull the warring parties apart and for everyone to agree that a bloodbath would have ensued without their intervention and both parties are satisfied now that they would have fought to the death and can now carry on their way. Honour is preserved and nothing is achieved - sound familiar!!
So that is how the snow and ice slows the traffic but where is the punchline with the rice, I hear you ask. Ready, here it comes. Yesterday, Condie was in town. Yes, Condaleezza Rice came to visit us and most of the roads in the centre of Kabul were closed for her convoy. Getting home took more than double the normal time. The Rice definitely slowed the traffic. Heck, I am getting good at this!!!!